By Andrew Lohmann, Webspace since 1997
03-11-02 revised 25/07/2010, 09/10/2010
West Indies 1978 – St. Marrten (salt making) – Once again taken with Agfa Silette I and light tables. Film processing had improved since 1971 but the pictures needed enhancing. I actually got the film processed five years later.
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Tommy Cooper goes shopping looking for camouflage trousers – he could not see any anywhere.
Dentist tells Tommy Cooper to say “Ahaaa”, he says “why”, Dentist “my dog died”.
The trouble with a bicycle is that you can’t open the window when you are hot or have farted.
Ron tells me the problem when men get old is they forget to zip up after, but when they get older the problem is forgetting to unzip first.
May West said It is better to be looked over than to be overlooked.
When May West was good she was very good, but when she was bad she was better.
Sarah xxx says – It’s ok to kiss a fool. It’s ok to let a fool kiss you. But don’t let a kiss fool you.
Q. What is the difference between a constipated owl and a marksman who can’t shoot.
A. One shoots but can’t hit the other hoot’s but can’t sh…t.
Return from the 1978 visit to the West Indies (Limbo dancing was one of the most impressive shows I’ve ever seen) – Azores (blue and green lakes).
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Have you ever wondered just how your computer works? Well … It’s finally
explained here in one, easy to understand, illustration:
Now you know!!
Now you can fix it!
History Lesson
Have a history teacher explain this—– if they can?
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head.
You ready? Here we go.
Lincoln ‘s secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named ‘Ford.’
Kennedy was shot in a car called ‘ Lincoln’ made by ‘Ford.’
Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here’s the kicker…
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Creepy huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause Hey, this is one history lesson people don’t mind reading
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“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.
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A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
Bond explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties….”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!”
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, “Bloody thing’s an hour fast!”
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This is not a trick question.
It is as it reads.
No one I know has got it right.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know.
She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you answer
Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.
If you didn’t answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list, unless of course that will upset you, then I’ll just be extra nice to you instead
Times have Changed – Trafalgar 2004
The end of civilisation.
Trafalgar 2004
Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”
Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”
Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?”
Hardy: “Sorry sir?”
Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?”
Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting
‘England’ past the censors lest it be considered racist.”
Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.”
Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.”
Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”
Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead.”
Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”
Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.”
Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”
Nelson: “What?”
Hardy: “Health and safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”
Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c'sle Admiral.”
Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”
Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”
Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
Nelson: “What? This is mutiny.”
Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”
Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”
Nelson: “We’re not?”
Hardy: “No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”
Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary.”
Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.
Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life”
Nelson: “Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
Nelson: “What about sodomy?”
Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.”
Nelson: “In that case …kiss me, Hardy.
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|
Can you pass this quiz??
Test for Dementia (INSANITY for short in English)Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can’t take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let’s find out just how clever you really are.Ready? GO!!!(scroll down) First Question:You are participating in a race You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer:If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!Try not to screw up in the next question.To answer the second question, don’t take as much time as you took for the first question. Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are…? Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You’re not very good at this! Are you? Third Question:Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only.Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer. Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don’t believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?Fourth Question:Mary’s father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.What is the name of the fifth daughter? NO!Of course not.Her name isMary . Read the question again Okay, now the bonus round:There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? |
Man & Woman Facts MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage OFFICE ARITHMETIC Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime SHOPPING MATH A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. HAPPINESS To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. PROPENSITY TO CHANGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT
CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS –
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY THE END OF THE MONTH
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZE WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Class 1: “How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays” Step-by-step, with slide presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Class 2: “The Toilet Paper Roll – Does it Change Itself?” Round-the table discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday at 2:00pm for 2 hours.
Class 3: “Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?” Group practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00pm for 2 hours. (Note: this class meets at O’Malley’s Brew Pub on 16th Street)
Class 4: “Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor” Pictures and explanatory graphics. Meetings are Saturdays at 2:00pm for 3 weeks.
Class 5: “After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?” Video presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00pm.
Class 6: “Loss of Identity – Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other” Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets fourWeeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00pm.
Class 7: “Learning How to Find Things – Starting with looking in the right places instead of turning the house upside down while screaming” Open forum. Monday at 8:00pm, 2 hours.
Class 8: “Health Watch – Giving her flowers is not harmful to your health” Graphics and audio tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00pm for 2 hours.
Class 9: “Real Men ask for Directions When Lost” Real life
testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00pm, location to be determined.
Class 10: “Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she
parallel parks”? Driving simulations. Four weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.
Class 11: “Learning to Live – Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife” Online classes and role-playing.
Class 12: “How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion” Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques. Meets four weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00p.m.
Class 13: “How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy – Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going to be Late” Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00pm for 2 hours.
Class 14: “The Stove/Oven – What it is and How it is Used”
Live demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00pm, location to be determined.
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Congratulations… We survived!
According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40′s, 50′s, 60′s, 70′s or even the early 80′s, probably should not have survived.
Our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets.
As children, we would ride in cars that had neither seat belts nor air bags. When we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.) Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We ate cupcakes, bread and butter with jam on, and drank fizzy drinks with sugar in them, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No mobile phones……unthinkable!
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no personal mobile phones, no personal computers, nor Internet chat rooms.
We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees perhaps, got cut and broke bones and teeth perhaps, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents: no one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We made up games that used sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren’t as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests at school were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected, there was no-one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law and said that we had let them down. Imagine that!
Our generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with them all……
….And you’re one of them. Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.
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oh no...
This will make you groan .....
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as
well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
alcohol.
Swoop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father,
shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to
drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting
tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and
guzzles the last of it.
Swoop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully
thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left...then
to the right.... right through the front door, into the street,
where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says...
(wait for it)
"He should have quit while he was a head!"
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Security alert
We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Hiding, Bin Fukinabout, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have all been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are obviously not a suspect at this time...
For those of you searching for Inner Peace. Patterns Enjoy. How I got INNER PEACE I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace........the article read: The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jim Beam, my Prozac, some valium, a small box of chocolates and 2 litres of Fosters Lager, a 1/2 can of cider & a large reefer You have no idea how f*cking good I feel.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last night my wife said to me that the American and British Governments had publicly said that their troops were not there to stop the looters of property which
belongs to the people of Iraq as that in all the Government departments, hospitals, archeological museums, etc., and they were not there to act as the local police.
She then asked me why then they were so active protecting the oil wells?
This war is not about oil, of course!!
Just a woman’s logic, no doubt!!
Jacob Matthan
http://www.findians.com/educated.html
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A cautionary tale of Local Government
Once upon a time, the Local Government and the Local Boys School decided to have a competitive boat race on the river. Both teams practiced long and hard
to reach their peak performance and on the big day they were as ready as could be …….The Boys School won by a mile.
Afterwards the Local Government team became very discouraged by the loss, and morale sagged. Senior Management decided that the reason for the crushing
defeat had to be found and a project team was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion: the problem was that the
Boys School team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the Local Government team had one person rowing and eight people steering.
Senior Management immediately hired a consultancy company to do a study on the teams structure. Many pounds and several months later they concluded that too
many people were steering and not enough were doing the rowing. To prevent losing to the Boys School next year, the team structure was changed to four
‘Steering Managers’, three ‘Senior Managers’ and one ‘Executive Steering Manager’. A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person
rowing the boat more incentive to work harder and become a key performer. “We must give him empowerment and enrichment. That ought to do it”.
The next year the Boys School won by two miles.
The Local Government laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment for new equipment and halted
development of a new boat. They awarded high performance awards to the consultants and distributed the money saved to Senior Management.
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God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do and the eyesight to tell the difference.Now that I’m “older”(but refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve discovered.
1 - I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2 - My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3 - I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4 - Funny, I remember being absent minded.
5 - All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6 - If all is not lost where is it?
7 - It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8 - Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
9 - I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10 Kids in the back seat cause accidents
11 Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12 It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13 The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
14 If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15 When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16 It’s not hard to meet expenses…..they’re everywhere.
17 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18 These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.
19 I’m unable to remember if I have mailed this to you before or not.
Now I think you’re supposed to send this to five or six, maybe 10, oh heck, send it to a bunch of friends if you can remember who they are.
Then something is supposed to happen, I think. Maybe you get your memory back.
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Brain Surgery
British doctor says “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a brain out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.”
A German doctor says, “That’s nothing, we can take a brain out of one person, put it in another and have him preparing for war in four weeks.
The American doctor (not to be outdone) says, “You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work, and the other half preparing for war.”
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Something to sing!!
To the tune of “If you’re happy and you know it”
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.
If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think someone has dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let’s look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.
It’s “pre-emptive non-aggression”, bomb Iraq.
Let’s prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They’ve got weapons we can’t see,
And that’s good enough for me
‘Cos it’all the proof I need
Bomb Iraq.
If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam’s gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
(And he tried to kill your dad),
Bomb Iraq.
If your corporate fraud is growin’, bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin’, bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain’t easy,
And your manhood’s getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.
Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We’ll call it treason,
Let’s make war not love this season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.
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Because I’m a man…………
Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where to start.” We will then drink beer.
Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You NEVER get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.
Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I’m a man, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no, I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger — I mean, how could he know where we’re going?
Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don’t.
Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother’s day is okay, I don’t need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my Mom, too!
Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I didn’t like it. Because I’m a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the 2000′s, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do the rest.
This has been a public service message for women, to better understand the Male animal.
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Newcastle Windaz Too Thoosand
It has come to the attention of Microsoft that several thousand copies of a Geordie version of Windows 2000, otherwise known as “Windaz Too Thoosand”, have been accidentally shipped out of Newcastle.
If you have purchased one of the Newcastle editions, you may need some help understanding the commands. You will be able to tell immediately if you have a copy of “Windaz 2000″ by:
1) The hour-glass has been replaced by a tipping bottle of Newcastle Brown.
2) The Recycle Bin is labelled as “Shite”.
3) Dial-up network is called “Me mates”.
4) The Control Panel is known as ” How we fook aboot wi the settins”.
5) The hard drive is referred to as ” Big disk wi aall me stoof on it”.
Other features of note are:
1) The “OK” button is labelled “Alreet”.
2) The “Cancel” button is labelled “Fook that”.
3) The “Yes” button is labelled “Aye”.
4) The “No” button is labelled “Nee fookin chance”.
5) The “Goto” button is labelled “Owa there”.
6) “Help” is known as “Ah cannit dee it”.
7) The Personal folder/ My Documents is called “Me Shite”.
Also, Windaz 2000 does not recognise capital letters nor punctuation marks.
There are also some applications written especially for “Windaz 2000″, and they are:
1) “Tipe Rita” – a word processor.
2) “Cullarin Book” – a graphics package.
3) “Addin masheen” – a calculator.
4) “Dole 2000″ – Accounting software.
5) “Porn” – Internet Explorer
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Rules for Work
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. hI’m notere for the money anyway.
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Some rules to put you straight:
Male Rules
We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE! Print this out and remember it. And dont moan. If you’re a Man pass to your partner for a greater understanding. If you’re a woman keep it somewhere prominent like on the fridge !
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then your stuck with her.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes – tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, or motor bikes.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. No you really do have too many shoes.
1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
1. I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape
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Excess Gas
Some more information about the fart.
1) The Antarctic stations are fairly international but the blokes in Mexican Station pinch the women’s bums, and the blokes
in the English Station set fire to there farts. Source woman on the Arthur Smith program radio 4 Saturday morning 2/11/02.
2) In Spike Milligan’s book “Hitler my part in his downfall” describes how training soldiers would light the farts, but consequently
burnt there bums and had to spend time in hospital. The nursing staff knew what they had done before they described it. I
don’t think the film of the book played by the carry-on crowd with Spike as his father, covered this aspect as well as the
book.
3) My dad said, when I told him about Spike’s book, that was nothing he new someone, when he was doing national service,
with enough control to perform “three blind mice”.
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Home Truths – Double Glazing
Jon Peel’s Home Truths on radio 4 had a story on the 2/11/02 about someone who bought a kit-kat and a coffee and sat with someone she did not know at a table in a cafe. She took a piece of the kit-kat then the man took a piece until it was finished. She thought it strange that the man should eat half her kit-kat until she put her hand in her pocket latter and found her kit-kat. She had inadvertently eaten the stranger’s kit-kat.
Many many years ago mum, my sister, and myself where sharing a table, with some other people because there was no spare tables at the Trinity Theatre bar and cafe in Tunbridge Wells. The other people started discussing how terrible double glazing sales men where, they had had recent telephone experiences. We were waiting for dad to join us for lunch. Dad who was retired had a little job as a telly sales operator for BAC double-glazing would be full of what he had sold and how good he was at it. This could have been more embarrassing than eating someone else’s kit-kat, particularly as the other peole had been saying what they would do to a double-glazing telly salesman, but we distracted dad when he came and a situation was avoided.
I don’t know if dad ever sold conservatory’s to people living on the 11th floor (this refers to another story the following week on home truths) but a few years later my sister was central to a funny story. Avril was off work following a stay in hospital, with little to occupier her when she was phone by a double-glazing sales man. Avril always says to tellisalesmen don’t waste your time go on to your next call. Anyway the sales man was insistent so Avril admitted that she does like plants but a conservatory would have to be on two levels, this was off cause, was possible. Avril wanted to be sure they could build a conservatory on to her flat, but the salesman was sure they could build up walls, and around corners. After half an hour Avril gave her address flat 3, etc. and a time was agreed for their sales man to call. Just as the salesman was about to ring off, she said did you get the address right – second floor flat, the salesman called her a cow or something and rang off.
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Excerpts from the Bain Review
* Urban Myth – or true.
An old lady in Speldhurst Road, Southborough reported a fire by writing a note on a post card. She posted it and very shortly after the postman picked it out and rushed up the road to Southborough fire station. They came and put the fire out.
* In the film “Fire Fire” – staring Will Hay – 1939
The station commander (Will Hay) The engine regularly turned up to late to the fires finding just smouldering ashes.
A woman came into the station one day and commander took his pencil from behind his ear recorded the details in the ledger periodically licking his indelible pencil. The woman reported a fire, but unfortunately commander Will had to admit – it is unfortunate that you did not come yesterday, because we lent our horse to the milkman today because his horse had gone lame. I think they resolve the problem by borrowing a horse from the Maidstone & District Bus Garage next door, and the horse stopped at all the Bus Stops on the way to the fire.
The station is in trouble over its poor record and station commander Will tells a visiting London brigade commander that they leave the station in 30, the visiting commander could just about manage that as well, only he was talking about 30 seconds, and Will was talking about 30 minutes.
Later in the film the brigade do get to a fire, but it is a hoax used by robbers attempting to steal the crown jewels. Fortunately the station’s research department who had been working on foam to smother fires (very ahead of its time) had discovered the key ingredient X. X was Newcastle Brown. Will’s Victorian cast iron helmet was hit with a ting by one of the robbers bullets, Will’s head with helmet pops above the foam, and Will says “who’s’ throwing stones”. The brigade appeared oblivious of the robbery they had inadvertently foiled.
* It would be a worrying if modernisation resulted in reported incidents being prioritised.
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The Raisin
A Woman making a cake dropped a raisin on the floor. Not being particularly house proud or fussy, she bent down picked it up and put it in her mouth. It moved and she spat it out it was a wood louse, that had rolled in to a ball before she had picked it up. – Home Truths, Radio 4, 27-04-02
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Alternative Male Brain
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Wheel-Barrow
My Friend George Lott reminded me of a good old joke. “A man wheels a wheel-barrow of straw through the town every week. Copper suspects he’s stealing something, goes through the straw and finds nothing. Next and every week, the same and the copper find’s nothing in the straw. Eventually copper retires but want’s to know what the man is stealing. He says to the man I’m retired and can’t work out what you are stealing – and I won’t do anything about it if you tell me. Man says ‘Wheel-Barrows’”
To tell you a little more about George: – He drinks in the High Brooms Tavern (formally High Brooms Hotel). He always uses a jug because although the beer in straight glass tastes the same but there is a risk of the glass slipping though your hands on a new fifth pint. This happened once while he was talking to someone, the full glass hit the wooden floor, and the beer rose out of the glass. At this point the pub went silent. The pint all but a few spots fell back in to the glass, George bent down, and picked up the pint (thinking I could look a fool here) continued his conversation, and drinking his beer. 20 second latter conversation resumed in the bar. Subsequently someone else told him that he went straight home thinking he had had far too much to drink when he saw that.
George tells me his wife only found out that he was drinking when he came home sober one evening. – As I said the old ones are the best.
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Memory loss in old age
45 Things We Have Learnt Off Television
1. When staying in a haunted house, women should always investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
8. You’re likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. People on TV never finish their drinks
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
13. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
14. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 16cm.
15. Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
16. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a cheesy strip club at least once.
17. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
18. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames
19. Women always wake up in the morning with full perfect make-up applied.
20. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
21. If a killer is lurking in your house, it’s easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath – even if it’s the middle of the afternoon.
22. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
23. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
24. All single women have a cat.
25. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
26. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments, and maintain a stern expression.
27. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
28. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
29. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, “Hello?, Hello?”
30. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
31. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
32. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
33. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
34. Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them.
35. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
36. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
37. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.
38. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
39. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
40. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
41. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son’s eighth birthday.
42. Many musical instruments – especially wind instruments and accordions can be played without moving the fingers.
43. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
44. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
45. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
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Good old Tommy Cooper jokes Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." -------------------------------------------------------------------- "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." --------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." -------------------------------------------------------------------- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I"m going to have to put him down." What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No. Because he's really heavy" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside" "How's that?" "Don't you start" --------------------------------------------------------------------- "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! --------------------------------------------------------------------- What's brown and sounds like a bell? (did Spike Milligan tell this one first?) DUNG --------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaaaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are." --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths?" He said "It depends where you're calling from." --------------------------------------------------------------------- "So I rang up a local building firm. I said "I want a skip outside my house." He said "I'm not stopping you." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, And he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director." And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?" And I said "I careered off the road. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought "This is unusual". And the dentist said to me "Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet." --------------------------------------------------------------------- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat git" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" --------------------------------------------------------------------- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, The other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. -------------------------------------------------------------------- "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine." So that was nice." --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the doctors, the doctor said " I haven't seen you In long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill" --------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more" --------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy. --------------------------------------------------------------------- My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't Find any. -------------------------------------------------------------------- I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None – It should be opened by the time she brings it
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”
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How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course – He’ll shut up once you let him in
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What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told
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I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was’ Always’
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive
by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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On-line Orgasmic Simulation.
How does the other sex experience pleasure
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Improbability Drive (Don’t click on the fish)
Andrew Lohmann